Talking to your spouse about mediation

I took a call the other day. "I think mediation is a good idea," the voice on the other end of the phone tells me, "but I'm not sure my wife will do it. What can I say to convince her?"

It's a good idea to discuss mediation with the other person before either of you retains an attorney. Many clients call me after they've hired lawyers and spent a great deal more money than they needed to.

Sometimes lawyers initiate a battle the clients didn't ask for. Sometimes a client allows or even encourages an attorney to take an aggressive stance because the client is angry or hurt. Other clients are simply unaware of the alternatives. Regardless of the reason, if aggressive tactics create anger at the beginning of the divorce, it may be hard to undo.

Therefore, I suggest you try to interest your spouse in mediation before you contact lawyers. Make it clear that you expect both of you to consult attorneys after meeting with the mediator, but with the understanding that you'll be mediating your divorce.

"I told my lawyer that my wife and I were pretty much in agreement about everything, that we didn't want to fight and I didn't see any reason to got to war over everything. We just needed a lawyer to draft the paperwork."

"But then I got served. My wife said she didn't know anything about it, but a hearing was set for a week later, and I was terrified and angry. Our lawyers started fighting, and both of us were paying thousands of dollars for work we didn't want. How did this happen?" Talking to a mediator first can often head off problems in the future.

What to Say to Your Spouse

• It's a lot less expensive
• It's less damaging to your children
• If offers an opportunity to end your marriage with your mutual respect and dignity intact
• It allows you to make your own decisions about the future care of your children and the division of your estate, instead of turning those decisions over to lawyers and judges.
• It's private

I usually suggest that anyone interested in mediation give their spouse my name and phone number so that he/she can call me to ask questions and to discuss the mediation process. That way mediation is clearly a mutual decision and not something one spouse is dragging the other person to.

Sometimes a client asks to come to the first appointment alone. I recommend that you come together for your first session. If I meet with one spouse first, the other person may see me as biased or advocating for the first spouse. Once that happens, my effectiveness as a mediator is eroded.

Clients sometimes ask if I'll call the other spouse to talk about mediation. I decline. I don't feel it's appropriate for me to try talking someone into using my services.